Get me the hell back on the wagon..

Really rough summer.  I'm trying to figure out where it all went wrong.  I think the biggest part of it has been fighting infertility.  That will kill you quick.  Between the three hormones prescriptions I'm on, the increased responsibilities at work and taking summer classes, I lost it and lost it good.  I'm talking ice cream every night, giving in to every craving.  The only thing I haven't completely lost track of is buying healthy food.  Other than ice cream (which is bad enough), I'm still buying the yogurts, and fruit and whole wheat bread.  I'm still starting off the day with a tall glass of water, my vitamins and a healthy breakfast.  I'm not even sure how much I weight right now, but last week I was 187.8 or something horrible to that effect.

My first round of IUI was unsuccessful, and my second round of hormones was unsuccessful.  I'm scheduled for another round of IUI/hormones this month, but at the rate I'm gaining weight my RE says I'm better off restricting/exercising at the rate I was than gain weight at this rate.  She told me that a week ago, and I planned on getting right back on the horse.  And then all this hurricane crap, and my family staying with us in our 1.5 bedroom apartment...so now, I'm left with no excuse but to start.  I'm starving right now, but I figure that's a good start to tomorrow.

Let's face it - I feel like shit.  I have my spare tire again, my new clothes are getting tight.  And if I do get pregnant, I will be gaining weight on top of this.  If I don't get pregnant, I will be so depressed to be not pregnant and fat, that I will probably gain everything back I lost plus more.  So tonight, it's back on baby until I get that positive pregnancy test.  You heard it first here.

First weigh-in is tomorrow.

Two days in..

Back on for two days so far.  I had a slight relapse yesterday where I ate crackers with peanut butter and jelly and ice cream sandwiches uncontrollably.  But I stopped myself, logging what I had done and proceeded with my day instead of saying fuck it and going out to eat.  I even talked for an hour later that night.

This is such a continuous struggle.  Down to 176.9 after being up 180.5.

This is bad.

For over a week now I have been struggling severely.  I think I've eaten healthily maybe two days in total.  I'm on a terrible roller coaster, and I don't know how to get back on.

I've been sick for the last couple of days and that hasn't helped.  I'm also reaching the end of the summer semester, and I've just finished the last few projects required for this class.  I also found out Saturday that I'm not pregnant and that I will most likely need IUI or IVF to become pregnant.  I know in the grand scheme of things, these are all excuses, and not good ones, to binge eat.  I know I have to stop.  I just think right now I'm dealing with too much.

So what do I do tomorrow?  With 4th of July weekend coming up, do I even try to get back on the horse or do I wait until afterwards?  I weighed myself this morning - I'm in the 178s (can't remember the oz.), where I was at 170.5 about 7 days ago.  That is indicative as to how out of control I am.

I'm going to try to get back on tomorrow, even if it's tough to stay on over the weekend.  I can't continue down this path.  My diet buddy is now 12 pounds less than me.  Not that it's a competition, but that shows where I should be right now.

Broke the plateau. I think.

Got on the scale this morning and to my surprise, lost more weight from last night.  Down to 170.9, which is 64.1 pounds of lumpy weight loss.

Woo hoo!

Nothing lost, nothing gained.

Actually, the title means nothing.  It's just what came to mind, so there it be.

Can't remember when I wrote last and the page to view it wouldn't load.  So, sorry if I'm omitting or overlapping, but here goes.. 

• Last Friday - good all day, then bad.  1/2 price appetizers at Applebees at 10PM at night.
• Saturday - not great, but not terrible.  Ate mostly at home other than my utilization of Ralph's Italian Ice coupons, which I took advantage of by ordering three things just for myself (in my defense, they were all a size small).  This speaks volume about my thriftiness, as well as my addiction to food, and in particular - ice cream.
• Sunday - started off good - didn't end terribly.  If I don't start the day with exercise on the weekend, it could go either way.  And I overslept like whoa on Sunday.  There was no time for exercise.
• Monday - on target, maybe 100 calories over.
• Tuesday - on target if I go to bed immediately.  I'm starving.  One of my philosophies is "if you run out of calories, it's time for bed."

It's a scamper to my next mini-goal, which is 168.5.  I'm terribly late in meeting this goal because no one told me how hard it is to keep losing once you get to a certain point.  And let's be honest, I'm getting lazy.  To complicate things, my husband and I decided to try to have a baby.  Obviously, once I find out I'm pregnant, this diet will go to a screeching halt and I will have to increase my calories by 300 per day, and also go to maintenance calories.  Believe it or not, this would bring me up to 2300 calories per day, which is about double of what I eat now.  This is because I'm still considered obese at my 5'1" frame.  Grr.

Until next time..

Hmmmm..

I actually didn't post this week because my Internet was acting up.  Specifically didn't work for blogspot. 

Hmm..

I actually did pretty well this week - on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and today I was good - but I may go out tonight to Applebees with my husband.  It's been a rough week.  Just want to get out of the house and be normal.

I've been taking a course two nights a week, things have been hectic at work and we're in full swing at the fertility doctor.  Don't think I told y'all - we halted the international adoption process for right now.  Just isn't the right time to gamble trying with what's going on with the country's program and the fact that I'm running out of time (not really, I'm 30, but still).  So we decided to give it a go.  Right now I'm in the testing phase, so it's blood work and sonos 2-3 times per week.

I feel like a thief in the night because there are very few people who know at this stage.  I don't want to go through the pain of updating everyone if things don't get going, so for the most part, we agreed to wait until after the first trimester to say anything to anyone but close family and friends.  Right now, we only have 3 or 4 people that know anything at all.

So, with the whole eating thing I'm proud to be keeping it up under all this stress.  Proud to have lost nearly 62 pounds, since that will do nothing but help if I do get pregnant.  However, I'm scared to death I'll gain everything back, but I'm going to trying really hard not to.  Doctor says I don't have to give up calorie restriction until it's confirmed I'm pregnant.

This whole post is narrated in my head with a southern accent, which is strange.  Back to my paper.  Have a good night.

Food is a battlefield.

Title says it all this weekend.

Off Thursday, on Friday, off Saturday, off Sunday, on Monday.  I had it today - had my husband hide my scales.  He is under no circumstances to tell me where the scales are, no matter how loudly I cry, scream or freak out.  I'm so sick of the ups and downs and the blatant guilt between each small triumph.  Looking at my weigh-ins on the sidebar, it's glaringly obvious I haven't gotten very far the last several months.  I'm hoping not weighing myself will stop hindering me from moving forward.