I'm sad.

So, today is Thanksgiving and I'm spending it at home with my husband, who is recovering from the stomach flu.  He's lost 10 lbs in four days, and we even took a trip to the ER last night for fluids.  He was pretty dehydrated.

So, instead of the dinner I planned with mine and his family I decided to set up the Christmas tree today.  Hopefully he will feel better by Saturday so we can make Thanksgiving dinner then since I already have the food.  But isn't that what changing your lifestyle is about - going with the flow?

The good news is after my Monday night binge with the girls at work, I got down to business.  Tuesday could have easily been a bust, spending most of my mid-day in urgent care with hubby, but I went back to work afterwards, got through my first step kickboxing class, did a few laps around the track (made it running 3/4 of the way around, sad but true), and came home and made a sensible dinner.  Yesterday, my colleagues and I went out for a birthday lunch, but I was good there, too.  I had steamed chicken and broccoli, brown rice, miso soup and a fortune cookie.  I also had plenty of water and green tea.  I only lost a half a pound this week so far, and with this weekend I may gain, but at least I know I stayed on track.  Especially during a time of stress, which is the most important thing of all.

Happy Thanksgiving to anyone reading.

They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said "no, no, NO!"

I'm so frustrated right now.  I went out tonight with a bunch of colleagues, and I had really good intentions.  Here's what I ate until 3:19pm:

• 1/2 cup 2% milkfat cottage cheese
• 1 T. craisins w/2 T. vanilla granola and 1 medium banana
• 2 pieces sliced chicken breast on whole wheat sandwich thins w/mustard
• 1 medium banana w/Dannon's light & fit berry yogurt
• 2 20 oz. glasses of water

After exercising for 55 minutes on my lunch break running for two minutes, speed walking for 8 minutes, elliptical for 20 minutes and weight training for 25 minutes, I was going to allow myself a slice of pizza for dinner.  But after I attended to a small emergency in the middle of my workday, BAM!  This is what I ate from 3:19pm on:

• 2 saltine crackers
• 7 pieces of Dove mini dark chocolates
• 2 pieces eggplant rollatini
• spinach sauteed in garlic and oil
• 2 garlic knots
• 1 piece of Italian bread with sauce and cheese
• 2 pieces Italian bread with 2 tsp. butter
• 1 large piece of tiramisu
• 4 dinner mints

What is wrong with me?  Altogether, it's around 3300 calories!

I'm convinced I am addicted to eating socially.  I can keep myself under control when it's me and my husband, but around 80% of the time when I'm with friends or family, and I'm eating at a restaurant, I go in with good intentions, but end up completely out of control.  Afterwards I'm left feeling uncomfortably full, out of control and regretful knowing that it's going to set me back several days of eating well pound wise.

I already gained a pound this weekend from eating poorly Saturday while I was in the city (from three meals of bad choices).  I really have to get back on track.

To motivate myself, I should really think of the good things, three of which happened today, ironically..  #1, someone else at work told me they noticed my weight loss, #2, I can now very comfortably fit into an XL sweatshirt (with room to spare) as opposed to a XXL, #3, I felt noticeably smaller to myself sitting in a movie theatre chair (I could place my arms within the constraints of my seat without resting my arms on the armrests.  These are all good things in my book.

So I vow, when I take my colleague to lunch tomorrow for her birthday I will stay within my calorie limits, when I go out drinking Wednesday night with friends and family, I will order french onion soup and/or two beers as long as I stay within my calorie limits, and Thursday I may not stay within the limits, but I will be reasonable.  Friday, Saturday, Sunday will be strict days until I get back on track.  From here on in, I will try to cheat only one day per week to keep my metabolism in check.

And if I survive my first step kickboxing class tomorrow, I will keep you updated.

One small step for (wo)man..

Down 30.5 lbs as of this morning at 204.5!  I really pushed myself this week, with carefully monitoring food intake and additional exercise - I'm so glad it paid off!  I'm not sure I'll meet my secondary goal of below 200 by Thanksgiving, but it's a distinct possibility that may happen by December 5th, my brother's wedding. 

Weddings motivate me, probably because it's one of the few times I will be seen in a dress or any type of form fitting clothes.  For my own wedding in 2004 I lost the most weight that I had ever lost up until that point - 27.5 (all this time I thought it was 28.5) from 196 to 168.5.  Of course, with all the crap I've put into my body since then I gained an additional 40 pounds, which is disgusting at my 5'1" frame.  You've seen part of the chronicle with my sister's wedding and it just so happens hers and my brother's are eight weeks apart.

I like to reflect, which is the biggest reason I decided to blog, so here is part of what I wrote in my first blog just several months ago (not even):

"Things that I will be looking forward to include: bending over to tie my shoes without turning blue, eating in a restaurant without embarrassment, being able to breathe after meals and while laying down, liking my shadow when I walk at sundown, shopping for clothes, dressing up for work, showing off my tattoos, going to the beach without a multitude of layers to cover myself under different circumstances (i.e. sunbathing, swimming, the walk to the car..), looking in the mirror, and choosing nudity as a lifestyle if I so choose (insert: chuckle)."

I think at this point I can safely say I can tie my shoes without turning blue since I see and feel a noticable difference in my stomach.  I don't have problems breathing as long as I don't overeat - I think a full stomach really effects my breathing, which physiologically makes sense.  I'm still not happy about the whole shadow thing.  Dead on I look a little thinner, but I'm still thick sideways (why is that?).  Shopping for clothes is becoming fun and it will be funner when I don't have to go to a plus size store.  The beach thing - I have plenty of time to work on that.  And we are working on the mirror and nudity thing!

So this is all good stuff.  Wish me luck at my department's potluck tonight.  I will think of the 6 minute run I was able to do today (a sad, but true record for me) to decide if it's really worth shedding it off later.  :)

I'm getting there..

My lowest weight so far is 208.  After a weekend away, I'm 209 - but it's only Tuesday.  With any luck I'll make minus 30 pounds by next week.  So I broke the plateau by completely indulging myself for a few days and then going back to the plan.  I think that really is the trick, so with the holidays and various other celebratory events, I plan on continuing that trend.  Funny thing is I always look forward to getting back on track.  I take that as a good thing.

Just got back from my three mile lunchtime walk.  Time to change back into work clothes.

I'll keep you posted..

Killing me softly..

After two weeks of staying below my calories and exercising with increasingly more effort - I saw the scale going UP 1.5lbs to 211 from 209.5.  Not only was I not losing weight, but gaining?  That was more than a plateau, but a seemingly uphill battle.

As the hostess and organizer of my office's potluck lunch on Friday, I broke down.  I had baked ziti.  I had eggplant parm.  I had MULTIPLE delicious desserts.  I had cheese and crackers.  After an embarrassing 2100 calorie lunch, I promised I wouldn't have dinner.

Instead I went out drinking Friday night, consuming an entire pitcher of beer (light, but nonetheless) and two shots of liquor, ending the night with my big hamburger/fry finish.  Lovely.

Then Saturday, I started the day off semi-right with skim milk and ovaltine.  After running errands, I convinced myself not to stop at McDonalds for an ice cream, Dunkin Donuts, and the pizza place for a slice thinking that most likely the gathering I was going to that night wouldn't have diet-friendly food.  So instead, I head on to the grocery store, stayed on the bandwagon, but grabbed butter popcorn on my way out.  Starving, it was the first thing I made when I got home and I ate the whole bag. 

Not satisfied with popcorn being my first real meal, I made tomato soup with sour cream dollops and mozzerella and cheddar cheese (which I ended up throwing up half of it because I put too much water in the soup, don't ask how).  So by the time my husband and I got to where we were going, I was starving and filled up on two different kinds of cheese doodles, about 10 jalepeno poppers, three potatos skins, and three boneless chicken wings.  I begged the hubby for ice cream on the way home (or was that the night before), but he wouldn't have it.  Oh, and I had candy.  Like 20 mini candy bars.

Then yesterday was more candy.  Probably about 25 mini-mini candy bars and a big italian dinner.  And pumpkin pie.  And apple pie.  It really was a ridiculous eating weekend.  Now I'm afraid to step on the scale.

But, as of today I'm back on.  I walked three miles on my lunch break and have eaten 1230calories.  Back to basics.  After Friday's eating fiasco, I didn't even have the heart to enter and calculate my food.

I have five days before I go away for the weekend.  I just got on the scale - granted I just ate and it's nighttime - but I'm a terrible 213.5.  Four pounds up.  Wish me luck.

Many a hand has scaled the grand old face of the plateau..

Some belonged to strangers, some to folks you know
Holy ghosts and talk show hosts are planted in the sand
To beautify the foothills, and shake the many hands

Nothing on the top but a bucket and a mop
And an illustrated book about birds
See a lot up there but don't be scared
Who needs action when you (got) words

Finished with the mop then you can stop
And look at what you've done
The plateau's clean, no dirt to be seen
And the work it was fun

Nothing on the top but a bucket and a mop
And an illustrated book about birds
See a lot up there but don't be scared
Who needs action when you (got) words

Many a hands began to scan around for the next plateau
Some say it was Greenland, and some say Mexico
Others decided it was nowhere except for where they stood
But those were all just guesses, wouldn't help you if they could

_______________________________________________

I'm so bummed out today.  Six whole days with 1.5 pounds of weight GAIN and I've been exercising more than ever and have not gone beyond my caloric limits at ALL.  It's so dissapointing - once 209.5, I am now 211 as of this morning.

I just read online that sometimes you have to break the nutritional and physical habits to shock your system, so you can continue to lose weight.  Many times when you restrict calories and get used to an exercise plan, the lack of calories sends you into starvation mode where your body holds onto calories, and you metabolism drops.  Maybe that is what's happening once I reached the 25.5 spot.  Or maybe I'm getting close to ovulation, although with my body who the hells knows.

I'm bummed.  I went to McDonalds and had a hamburger happy meal with diet soda and an ice cream cone.  Thought if I ate closer to my 2100 maintenance calories, I would have better luck over the weekend.  We shall see.

I will keep you posted.

Dragging my feet today..

I woke up in a bad mood and all I want to do is eat.  I have no energy and I'm nervous about what will happen when I go home.  Thankfully, I have a fridge stocked only with food I can eat, but it will take all my energy not to make a pitstop on the way home, which I haven't done since I started this "diet."

I'm getting frustrated because the scale actually moved UP .5 pounds and I've been excercising more than ever - over an hour a day for the past two days and staying under net calories.  I read an article online today about how you can plateau after losing 10-20% of your weight, maybe that's what's happening since I just reached the 10% mark.

I really don't want off the bandwagon - I just need to get over this hump.