Get me the hell back on the wagon..

Really rough summer.  I'm trying to figure out where it all went wrong.  I think the biggest part of it has been fighting infertility.  That will kill you quick.  Between the three hormones prescriptions I'm on, the increased responsibilities at work and taking summer classes, I lost it and lost it good.  I'm talking ice cream every night, giving in to every craving.  The only thing I haven't completely lost track of is buying healthy food.  Other than ice cream (which is bad enough), I'm still buying the yogurts, and fruit and whole wheat bread.  I'm still starting off the day with a tall glass of water, my vitamins and a healthy breakfast.  I'm not even sure how much I weight right now, but last week I was 187.8 or something horrible to that effect.

My first round of IUI was unsuccessful, and my second round of hormones was unsuccessful.  I'm scheduled for another round of IUI/hormones this month, but at the rate I'm gaining weight my RE says I'm better off restricting/exercising at the rate I was than gain weight at this rate.  She told me that a week ago, and I planned on getting right back on the horse.  And then all this hurricane crap, and my family staying with us in our 1.5 bedroom apartment...so now, I'm left with no excuse but to start.  I'm starving right now, but I figure that's a good start to tomorrow.

Let's face it - I feel like shit.  I have my spare tire again, my new clothes are getting tight.  And if I do get pregnant, I will be gaining weight on top of this.  If I don't get pregnant, I will be so depressed to be not pregnant and fat, that I will probably gain everything back I lost plus more.  So tonight, it's back on baby until I get that positive pregnancy test.  You heard it first here.

First weigh-in is tomorrow.

Two days in..

Back on for two days so far.  I had a slight relapse yesterday where I ate crackers with peanut butter and jelly and ice cream sandwiches uncontrollably.  But I stopped myself, logging what I had done and proceeded with my day instead of saying fuck it and going out to eat.  I even talked for an hour later that night.

This is such a continuous struggle.  Down to 176.9 after being up 180.5.

This is bad.

For over a week now I have been struggling severely.  I think I've eaten healthily maybe two days in total.  I'm on a terrible roller coaster, and I don't know how to get back on.

I've been sick for the last couple of days and that hasn't helped.  I'm also reaching the end of the summer semester, and I've just finished the last few projects required for this class.  I also found out Saturday that I'm not pregnant and that I will most likely need IUI or IVF to become pregnant.  I know in the grand scheme of things, these are all excuses, and not good ones, to binge eat.  I know I have to stop.  I just think right now I'm dealing with too much.

So what do I do tomorrow?  With 4th of July weekend coming up, do I even try to get back on the horse or do I wait until afterwards?  I weighed myself this morning - I'm in the 178s (can't remember the oz.), where I was at 170.5 about 7 days ago.  That is indicative as to how out of control I am.

I'm going to try to get back on tomorrow, even if it's tough to stay on over the weekend.  I can't continue down this path.  My diet buddy is now 12 pounds less than me.  Not that it's a competition, but that shows where I should be right now.

Broke the plateau. I think.

Got on the scale this morning and to my surprise, lost more weight from last night.  Down to 170.9, which is 64.1 pounds of lumpy weight loss.

Woo hoo!

Nothing lost, nothing gained.

Actually, the title means nothing.  It's just what came to mind, so there it be.

Can't remember when I wrote last and the page to view it wouldn't load.  So, sorry if I'm omitting or overlapping, but here goes.. 

• Last Friday - good all day, then bad.  1/2 price appetizers at Applebees at 10PM at night.
• Saturday - not great, but not terrible.  Ate mostly at home other than my utilization of Ralph's Italian Ice coupons, which I took advantage of by ordering three things just for myself (in my defense, they were all a size small).  This speaks volume about my thriftiness, as well as my addiction to food, and in particular - ice cream.
• Sunday - started off good - didn't end terribly.  If I don't start the day with exercise on the weekend, it could go either way.  And I overslept like whoa on Sunday.  There was no time for exercise.
• Monday - on target, maybe 100 calories over.
• Tuesday - on target if I go to bed immediately.  I'm starving.  One of my philosophies is "if you run out of calories, it's time for bed."

It's a scamper to my next mini-goal, which is 168.5.  I'm terribly late in meeting this goal because no one told me how hard it is to keep losing once you get to a certain point.  And let's be honest, I'm getting lazy.  To complicate things, my husband and I decided to try to have a baby.  Obviously, once I find out I'm pregnant, this diet will go to a screeching halt and I will have to increase my calories by 300 per day, and also go to maintenance calories.  Believe it or not, this would bring me up to 2300 calories per day, which is about double of what I eat now.  This is because I'm still considered obese at my 5'1" frame.  Grr.

Until next time..

Hmmmm..

I actually didn't post this week because my Internet was acting up.  Specifically didn't work for blogspot. 

Hmm..

I actually did pretty well this week - on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and today I was good - but I may go out tonight to Applebees with my husband.  It's been a rough week.  Just want to get out of the house and be normal.

I've been taking a course two nights a week, things have been hectic at work and we're in full swing at the fertility doctor.  Don't think I told y'all - we halted the international adoption process for right now.  Just isn't the right time to gamble trying with what's going on with the country's program and the fact that I'm running out of time (not really, I'm 30, but still).  So we decided to give it a go.  Right now I'm in the testing phase, so it's blood work and sonos 2-3 times per week.

I feel like a thief in the night because there are very few people who know at this stage.  I don't want to go through the pain of updating everyone if things don't get going, so for the most part, we agreed to wait until after the first trimester to say anything to anyone but close family and friends.  Right now, we only have 3 or 4 people that know anything at all.

So, with the whole eating thing I'm proud to be keeping it up under all this stress.  Proud to have lost nearly 62 pounds, since that will do nothing but help if I do get pregnant.  However, I'm scared to death I'll gain everything back, but I'm going to trying really hard not to.  Doctor says I don't have to give up calorie restriction until it's confirmed I'm pregnant.

This whole post is narrated in my head with a southern accent, which is strange.  Back to my paper.  Have a good night.

Food is a battlefield.

Title says it all this weekend.

Off Thursday, on Friday, off Saturday, off Sunday, on Monday.  I had it today - had my husband hide my scales.  He is under no circumstances to tell me where the scales are, no matter how loudly I cry, scream or freak out.  I'm so sick of the ups and downs and the blatant guilt between each small triumph.  Looking at my weigh-ins on the sidebar, it's glaringly obvious I haven't gotten very far the last several months.  I'm hoping not weighing myself will stop hindering me from moving forward.

One small step..

When I got home from work tonight, I finally got to 173.7 - another lowest number. Somehow, I dropped three pounds since yesterday. Tells us how much water weighs, since I definitely didn't lose 12 pounds of fat this week or it would be drastically noticable. So my new goal - 172s by Saturday.

Food today:

1 1/2 c. halved strawberries
1 c. sugar free jello
4 T. whipped topping
1 3/4 oz. chicken breast w/ 1 T. light mayo, several cherry tomatos and 1 thin slice American cheese on two pieces of light whole wheat bread
1 large navel orange
2 pieces of "Buffalo Chicken Fiesta" - casserole with bisquick, cubed chicken w/buffalo sauce, peppers, onions and shredded cheddar, topped with a dollop of sour cream (298 calories per serving - delicious)

Exercise:
Walked 2 hours at a moderate pace (1 hour on lunch, 1 hour after work)

Day six - success!

Still plowing through.

Day five - check!  I'm blogging more frequently as a means to be accountable to other people.  At this point I've lost just short of 9 lbs since last Wednesday, albeit, mostly water weight.  But I'll take it.

Today:

1 1/2 c. halved strawberries w/ 4 T. lite cool whip
2 oz. chicken breast w/ 1 thin slice white American cheese and tomato on 2 pieces lite whole wheat bread
1 large navel orange
1 c. steamed spinach
1 corn-on-the-cob w/ 1/2 tsp. whipped butter, salt & pepper
1 yam w/ 1/2 tsp. whipped butter, cinnamon & splenda
1 4 oz. piece of chicken breaded with lemon zest, thyme, whole wheat bread crumbs and a sprinkle of Parmesan cheese
1 hour walk at 3mph uphill (hey, it was hot out today)

176.6 - lowest so far is 174.2.  If I could get down to 173 by Friday/Saturday, I would be happy.

Working it out.

Day four back on was a success.

Today's food intake:

1.5 cups halved strawberries with 3 T. lite cool whip
2 oz. deli chicken breast on 2 slices light whole wheat bread w/ 5 cherry tomatoes and 1 T. light mayo
2 60 calorie pastries (small, but worth it)
1 light and fit strawberry banana yogurt
1 navel orange
cold, shredded chicken from 1 bone-in breast w/ Franks red hot sauce
1 yam w/ 1/2 tsp. whipped butter, cinnamon and splenda
1 1/2 cups of mixed spinach and green beans
1 corn-on-the-cob w/ 1/2 tsp. whipped butter, salt & pepper
3 servings sugar-free jello w/ 3 T. cool whip

Today's exercise:
20 minutes on the elliptical
10 minutes on treadmill at 3.6 mph
20 minutes strength training

I really pushed through the exercise today.  It was my first day back at work from my vacation and I was UNHAPPY!  Hopefully I keep it going through the week.  Down to 177.7 this morning - lucky #7..

Back on.

I'm working it out - even with a luncheon and BBQ, I've managed to stay within my calories or a little over for the past two days.  I've gone from 185.5 when I got home from vacation four days ago to 178.6 this morning, which is a doable 4.3 pounds away from my lowest.  Thank god.

It wasn't easy.  I actually didn't eat after 4pm yesterday, other than a meager cup of tea around 10pm.  I didn't even drink, and for me not to drink, especially when I'm around family, now that's big.  But it's good practice considering my husband and I have had to unexpectedly change our plans to adopt.

We are still waiting for a response from the agency in regards to a few questions we had, but basically there is too much uncertainty with the country we would adopt from.  I would hate to wager the funds and time involved and not get a child as the end result.  Looks like we might have to have kids the old fashion way. 

Not necessarily a bad thing, there would be perks to this as well.  Albeit selfish, the one thing I'm concerned about is gaining all the weight back and then some.  The last thing I want for my child, is for them to have an overweight mother.  More so than genetics, I worry that overweight parents socialize their children to emotionally eat and become overweight themselves.  My entire family has weight issues, and although my husband is perceived to be average weight, he has terrible eating habits.  Between the two of us, we really have to keep ourselves in check.

So, as I said to myself while on vacation, I plan on treating my eating habits as a drug addiction.  No more binge eating.  No more "off days".  I can eat what I want, but I have to stay within my calories.  No matter if I'm at a family function.  No matter if it's 4pm and I ate all my calories for the day.  No matter if I have to walk something off for 5 hours.  I'm done with the excuses.  I've been hanging out in the classifiable "obese" 170s for too long.  I just want to be overweight, goddammit!

Getting back on the horse. Man, does it suck.

My name is SuNFLoWeRHaPPy and I'm a food addict.

I didn't do so well the week before I went on vacation - so I would say it's been close to two weeks that I've been "off."  I tried yesterday to get back on the horse, and due to circumstances outside my weight issues, I literally had a fit and made a plate of nachos and had a beer.  Today, I okay - a little less than 1400 calories and burned about 450 calories.  I'm starving and my mood is fluctuating like an addict trying avoid her "fix."  I'm not sure who I feel bad for more - myself for feeling starved and dejected or my husband for putting up with me.

I was down to 174.2 and I weighed 185.5 when I came back - pitiful, terrible, disgusting.  My face, my stomach, my back and my arms all look blown up.  Maybe it's the salt.  As of this morning, even with my pitiful binge yesterday, I was down to 181.6.  My goal is to get back down to my lowest by next weekend.

I need to really get this moving towards my goal. I'm too close to my next mini-goal of 168.5 to be gaining so much weight back.  From there, I only have another 18.5 lbs. to be 150 and then an additional 20 to my goal of 130.

I tried on clothes when I was away.  I fit into 12's still, and medium for some shirts and large for others.  Please, please, please, let me get back on the wagon and continue in the fight against this horrible addiction.

Fat.

It's how I feel.  I get like this the same time every month, but it continuously happens, and I pig out like no one's business.  I need to go to OA.  I will look up times when I get back from vacation next week.

Now tell me this isn't fate of some sort..  My husband and I decided to seriously consider international adoption last weekend.  We found an adoption agency we would like to pursue Korean adoption with.  After reading the materials they sent us, and information we researched online, I found out that you can only be 30% over the healthy weight for your height.

At my lowest weight in this journey I am 3 lbs away from the maximum weight.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think my weight of all things would prevent me from adopting.  You think about the expense, the logistics, working out daycare after the fact, integrating the child into our family, being parents for the first time.  But I never thought my weight would be a barrier in eventually being a mom through adoption. 

It's ironic to think that to have a child biologically I would have to risk gaining a ridiculous amount of weight, but to adopt a child, I have to be careful and stay on my plan or risk not being eligible to adopt.  That's some deep stuff to consider.

Just another reason to keep on trucking.

This weekend was bad though.  I had three good days last week, and I failed again today.  Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday - I have to be on.  I go on vacation starting next Saturday and when I get back, it's got to be consistant and it's got to be every day for at least a month.  You heard it first here.  I just stepped on the scale now - my lowest was 174.2 and I just weighed 179.1.  Granted I usually gain 3 or 4 pounds over my piggie weekend - but really?  Almost 5 lbs?  And eating olives and mozzerella cheese and Italian pastries for lunch that were soggily left over from someone else's Mother's Day?  Horrible.  Just horrible.

S-U-C-C-E-S-S

I weighed in yesterday at 174.2 - 60.8lbs gone!  I still have so long to go, but I feel such a sweet victory so far.  I've been watching Addicted to Food on the OWN Network, a reality show where they feature people with all different eating disorders - bulimia, anorexia, compulsive eating disorder, etc. - in a treatment facility.  One of the activities they had the clients complete last episode was to burn their excuses for eating the way they do.  Here are some of mine I will proverbially burn via documenting in my blog:

• I deserve to overeat as means to reward myself
• I need to overeat as a means to socialize
• I'm meant to be fat - it's hereditary
• I'm too busy to exercise or cook every night
• It's a holiday
• I'm on vacation
• I love to cook
• I don't want to waste the food I'm given in a restaurant

Reasons I want to keep this weight off and continue down this road of losing:

• I feel better about myself & have more self-confidence
• I'm healthier and more fit
• I no longer have shortness of breathe
• I no longer have tingling in my feet
• I can shop in a regular sized store - NO MORE PLUS SIZE!
• I will be more marketable for jobs and/or promotions (terrible, but true)
• I have more energy
• I fit in a chair better
• I will be more comfortable on a plane
• I don't feel like the biggest person in the room
• I won't be scrutinized when I eat in public

Weirdest thing is that I'm fitting in some MEDIUMS already, which I didn't even see as foreseeable until I was around 150, so that's pretty good.  Chances are, I might be a small if I actually meet my goal weight of 130.  What I really want to start working on, especially as I lose more is having less of these "cheat" days where I eat enormous amounts of food.  Until I stop that, I will still be a compulsive over eater.

Take yesterday, for instance:

• 2 pieces light whole wheat bread toasted w/ 1 T. nuttella and 1 T. raspberry sugar free jam
• 2 pieces light whole wheat bread w/ 1 T. nuttella and 1 T. raspberry sugar free jam
• orange
• light and fit yogurt
• 1 piece of french bread toasted w/garlic, melted mozzarella dipped in marinara
• 3 bud light beers
• 1 chocolate raspberry martini
• 1 bikini martini (fruity)
• 1/2 serving vegetarian nachos
• 1 piece Italian bread dipped in infused oil
• Few spoonfuls of fusilli Alfredo
• Few spoonfuls of ice cream sundae
• 2 hours of gardening/raking (my butt and hands hurt this morning)
• 20 minute walk at 3.5 mph

Granted, I didn't eat everything that was in front of me - normally I finish my plate until there is nothing left.  I totally wasted a lot of food, which was good.  But the choices were not so great.  So that is my goal the next few weekends.

All in all, it was a good week!

Almost at the big 6-0..

I'm 0.2 lbs. away from the big 60!  175.2 pounds as of this morning.  I'm doing really well this week.  Really motivated.

Today:

2 pieces whole wheat light bread w/1 T. raspberry sugar free jam & 1/2 T. whipped butter
2 pieces whole wheat light bread w/1 T. nuttella and 1 T. raspberry sugar free jam
1 orange
1 light and fit yogurt
8 oz. tilapia bread w/panko bread crumbs
1 cup spinach
1 corn-on-the-cob w/ 1/2 T. whipped butter, salt & pepper
1 yam w/ 1/2 T. whipped butter, splenda and cinnamon
30 minutes at 3.5 mph on the treadmill
20 minutes moderate strength training
30 minutes on elliptical
30 minutes moderate strength training (part II)

Hopefully tomorrow I will reach my milestone.

Moving on up...

I was bored tonight and went to Old Navy to try on clothes for shits and giggles.  I comfortably fit into size 12 pants - was pretty happy about that.  Yes, I know Old Navy runs big.  But the point is, back in August 2010, I couldn't even fit into size 20.

I weighed myself Saturday morning - 176.4 - 7.9 pounds to lose to meet my next mini-goal.  Bring it on!  Tomorrow's kickboxing, I am ready to go!

Today:

• orange
• 2 slices whole wheat bread w/1 T. honey apple butter and 1 T. peanut butter
• 7.5 oz. broiled salmon
• 1 corn-on-the-cob w/ 1/2 T. whipped butter, pepper and salt (YUMM-O)
• 1 baked sweet potato w/ 1 T. whipped butter, cinnamon and splenda
• 1 C. green beans sauteed' w/pam, salt and pepper
• another orange
• 25 minutes on elliptical
• 15 minutes walking 3.5 mph
• 20 minutes strength training
• 1 hr. retail therapy

Until next time..

I fail again. Kinda.

I'm having one of those horrible, hormonal days.  The kind of day where you go to buy Easter candy for your thirty something year old husband who only likes one kind of candy for Easter, three days before the actual holiday, only to realize that the shelves are empty due to the hyper vigilant suburbanites that have planned ahead, cleaning off the shelves in advance to please their spoiled children who expect Christmas-equivalent gifts on Easter Sunday.  Kill me please.  Then I yelled at said husband after foregoing my lunchtime exercise to run around feverishly to several different stores searching between countless bags of the leftover no-frills jelly beans and coming up with NOTHING I NEED.  Poor guy said he would pick up his own Easter candy.  But the damage was done.  I was in a rage, went back to work and ate leftover cake from yesterday's celebratory events.  Two hunks resulting caloric damages to the tune of 600.

I'm going kickboxing in a half hour.  May I not come home and stuff my face.

I have good news, and I have bad news.

The good news is I did cardio for one hour and burned 414 calories.  The bad news is I fail when potlucks take place and ate 2,781 calories.  But on the brighter side, I only ate an 80 calorie breakfast this morning and haven't eaten since my 12:30pm smorgasbord.

My shameful log of the day:

• 1 1/4 cup sliced strawberries w/splenda
• 1 piece of fried chicken thigh 
• 1 buffalo chicken wing
• 3 T. seven layer taco dip w/tortilla chips
• 5 T. buffalo chicken dip w/3 large round crackers
• 1/2 cup potato salad
• 1 small piece chicken francese
• 1 canoli
• 3 rainbow cookies
• 1/2 piece chocolate cake
• 2 pieces pineapple upside down cake
• 3/4 piece chocolate covered cheesecake
• 8 8 oz. glasses of water
• 2 8 oz. glasses diet coke
• 30 minutes on the elliptical
• 30 minutes walking 3.5-3.7 mph

The game plan for tomorrow: kickboxing part deux for the week.

Today was a good day!

I had the day off yesterday, but got a lot done at work on my day back.  I ate well and ended the day with kickboxing, which is always a rush.  Tomorrow is our office potluck, so I'm a little nervous about "staying on", especially since I'm bringing a cake.  I'll report back tomorrow.  I fully expect to eat, but my goal is to not overindulge too much.  A little taste of this and that will be fine.

Time to watch "Addicted to Food" on the OWN network.  It's actually a pretty good program.

Weighed in at 178.0 when I got home from work - 177.1 is my lowest so far, not too far off from there now.  I'm recovering pretty quickly from my 4 pound gain from a bad week.

My log today:

1 cup of tea w/ splenda
7 8 oz. glasses of water
1 1/2 cups sliced strawberries with splenda
1 T. honey apple butter w/ 1 T. peanut butter on light wheat bread
1 medium orange
1 light and fit yogurt
2 oz. whole wheat penne w/ 1/2 cup part skim mozzarella, 1/3 cup ricotta, 1/2 cup marinara, 2 T Parmesan and 1 1/2 cup broccoli florets (aka my healthy ziti)
55 minutes walking at a moderate pace
15 minutes kickboxing (bag)
45 minutes cardio kickboxing

I will post tomorrow.  Hopefully, I don't binge.

I want all things bad for me.

I have the day off today, after going away and eating atrociously all weekend (let's be honest, week) long.  I started off bad yesterday morning, but by the end of the day I managed to only go over by 200 calories.  Considering my breakfast was 961 calories, I consider that a triumph.

Yesterday:

• Oat bran bagel with 3 tablespoons of whipped butter (crazy, I know)
• 1 silver dollar-sized pancake w/ 2 T. maple syrup
• 1 sausage patty
• 1 piece bacon
• 1 medium size orange
• 3 cups lettuce
• 1 cup cucumber
• 7 grape tomatoes
• 1/4 cup crumbled feta cheese
• 1 T. slivered almonds
• 4 T. fat free raspberry vinaigrette
• 2 T. low fat cool whip
• 2 servings sugar free Jell-O
• 1 chocolate Italian ice

Today, so far:

• 1 piece light whole wheat bread w/ 1/2 T. Nutella (love it)
• 1 medium orange
• 1/2 serving Tuna Macaroni Salad (elbow macaroni, tuna, green pepper, cucumber, cherry tomatoes, hard boiled egg, low fat mayo, celery salt and pepper)
• 1 medium orange

Tonight I'm dragging myself to the gym for a hard-core 2 hour workout to kickoff the week.  Tomorrow I have plans with a friend to go kickboxing, then Wednesday night, plans to go spinning.  I never did go spinning yet, we'll see how that goes.  I have another company potluck lunch on Wednesday, which is my horrible, admitted downfall.  I'm bringing dessert, which won't help the issue.  I'm hoping I keep things under control because with Easter this weekend, I'm not sure how my eating will be.  Anytime I'm around my family, I have a hard time.  I still sense hostility from them, that I've done as well as I'm doing. 

My goal is to really try to keep at this.  I went from 177.1 April 8 to 181.7 last night, down to 180.1 this morning, if that makes any sense at all.  I really need to lose this week, I'm too damn close to 60 lbs, which I'll reach when I hit 175.  My next mini-goal is 168.5.  HELP!!

I fail at life.

No.  It's really not that bad.  It's just been a bad week or so.  How come when I'm good, I'm great, but when I'm bad, I'm really, really, really, really bad?  My weight it still around the same - I'm teetering around 177.something.  I haven't lost anything significant in two weeks - I would have if I didn't go off the wagon the last two days.

Take last week for instance - there was an unexpected buffet of veggies, fruits.....and dips, chips last week.  I started off good - some fruit and veggies, one pita chip.  They I went back for more veggies.  Then more fruit.  Then more chips and dip.  Then one serving of dessert.  Then my second serving of dessert.  By the time I got a hold of myself I had over 2000 calories of snacks, so then I went home and made fried chicken too.  This was on a Wednesday.  I have true problems with binge eating.  It's terrible.

Today, again.  I got back from my 3 mile walk at lunch.  Had some popcorn and chocolate.  Went on another 3 mile walk after work.  Went out to a bar for mashed potatoes, beer and hamburger.  Then stopped for ice cream by myself on the way home.  Seriously - what the fuck is wrong with me?

I'm trying to use the excuse that I'm getting my period this week - or that work is really stressful - or that I've been going out of town every weekend and nothing is more exciting than trying food in different places - but really?  Is all of this necessary?  Not to mention, last night (Wednesday night), I drank an entire bottle of champagne all by myself as a way to calm myself down from a hectic day at work.  Really?  This isn't good.

I'll keep writing and my intention is to get back on the horse after my third weekend trip this month, when I return on Monday.  I also have the day off, so it will be a day of the five hour workout perhaps.  Get things started the right way.  This is just ridiculous at this point.  I don't want to gain a bunch of weight back before I get back on the horse. 

I'm so close to 60 pounds I can taste it.  Wait - maybe not the best analogy....

I hate Zumba.

Took my first Zumba class last night and hated it.  I don't know if it was because I was one of 40 in the class and found myself "dancing" halfway out the door, or because I couldn't pick up the moves from said doorway.  Or maybe because I found myself amidst lonely housewifes that were barking up the wrong tree of the obviously gay instructor.  The whole thing wasn't cute at all.

I will stick with my cardio kickboxing.

This weekend, I went to Philly and enjoyed multiple cheesesteaks and various other delicious, mouth-watering things, including beer ALL DAY LONG.  I guess it was the walking, I only gained 2.6 lbs. and after two days, I'm back down to where I started from (almost).

May I finish the workweek in the 177s (that's how I roll nearly 60lbs down, every tenth of a pound matters.  :)

I Welcome the 170s..

Friday I reached an all time low at 179.8.  Hey, it's new numbers, I'll take it, .8 and all!  Of course, in usual fashion, I celebrated the weekend with excess calories and lack of exercise, but I went back on the horse today.  Didn't get to the gym with all the end-of-the-semester schoolwork, but tomorrow is more kickboxing!  And I've got leftovers in the fridge, which means NO EXCUSE!

Food for Today:
1/2 skim milk with 1 cup Special K, cinnamon and splenda (my own version of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, ya see..)
Low Fat Progresso's Cream of Mushroom soup with 2 T. croutons
1 orange
Homemade sweet and sour chicken with rice
1 chocolate/vanilla Dixie cup (remember those?)

Another reflection..things I've thought in the last seven months that I hadn't thought of previously..

• Thin people watch what they eat, too.  That's why they are thin.
• It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle.
• The thinner you are, the less you get to eat.
• Every day I have a choice - to eat what I want, or look and feel like I want.  I may make different choices on different days.
• Being a food addict sucks.  It's like telling an alcoholic to just have one drink a day.
• Not everyone has the ability to understand nutrition and what works for their body.  I am lucky I have the ability to change the way I look through my understanding of nutrition and my body.
• Water makes my body run better and tastes better than soda and other garbage.
• I like working out - it makes me feel like I am capable of doing anything.
• Although I wish I could eat whatever I want at times, I like how I feel when I eat healthily.

Until next time..

The Bucket List

Today I can cross another item off my bucket list.  Seems so silly, but I went to a cardio kickboxing class tonight (by myself, I might add) and punched a bag for 15 minutes.  I punched like I've never punched before.  My husband bought me gloves over two years ago for Christmas, but I never had anyone to go with, or the guts to go myself.  Until now.  Not that I completely kept up.  Not that I wasn't going left when others were going right.  But I got through it, and I'll be going back.  So I'm excited about that.

Speaking about bucket lists, sometimes it's good to put down on paper.  The things I can think off the top of my head as of right now:

1. (Continue) kickboxing - it's a great workout, mixing things up, will teach me a bit of self defense and is a great stress reliever..
2. Live in another state - the state of Washington perhaps?
3. Live in a city for at least a year - Seattle perhaps?  I'll settle for anything urban, though.
4. Finish a second Master's degree - MA in Higher Education Administration will do.  I'm 1/20 of the way there.
5. (Continue) to actively donate blood - did it for the first time last month and dug the idea of it.
6. Learn how to swim - doggie paddle doesn't count.  I'll be the oldest person at Safety Swim alongside 2 year olds.
7. Learn how to surf - the order of this is important.
8. Own a home - came so close, but now I dig the flexibility.
9. Learn how to fix up a home - this should follow.
10. Learn how to knit - would be nice.
11. Lose another 50 pounds and keep it off - item #1 should help with this..
12. Write a memoir called "Becoming Sunflowerhappy" - hopefully will derive from this blog
13. Own a beach home - or at least a time share.
14. Become someone important at work - dean or director will do just fine.
15. (Continue) to play softball at work - but I must get better!
16. Play on a beach volleyball team - this summer perhaps?
17. Get back on a horse - don't get back on "Red"
18. Travel often - and feel comfortable navigating unchartered territory
19. Get a passport - cough it up and get my ass to New Zealand
20. Visit friends abroad - see above
21. Take a cruise to someplace beachy - once I'm down to 130 pounds, lol
22. Put myself first - so important and never done until recently
23. Put my husband second - this should have always been
24. Put my family and friends third - this is hard, but necessary

Some are short term, some are long term.  As least I have something to reference back to.  Wait - I found my bucket list from three years ago - how does it measure up?  Let's see..

1. Go jetskiing - would anyone like to join me? I forgot about this one..still should be on the list..

2. Ride a horse - this should be taken care of on my next vacation, as promised by Pete..It was (insert: Red - most terrifying experience ever)

3. Live under my own roof - it may be an apartment to start, but it's something that's a really long time coming. Check!

4. Move out of state - Long Island just isn't cutting it anymore financially or aesthetically. Yeah..still feel this way..

5. Go corporate - I love HR, but staffing is not for me. Went higher ed. instead, and like it better than corporate because I get to be my funky self..

6. Take a cooking class - doesn't matter what kind.  I just need some hands-on new ideas to take home. I like this, still have to do it!

7. Write a book - maybe a biography. Yup, yup.

8. Experience life without crying for six months - I wonder how many women out there do this regularly.  I'm a crier and I wish I wasn't. Got better since I moved out, but never have even gone more thank a week probably.  I should keep track.

9. Visit a country on another continent - been to Canada, but that's all.  Would love to go somewhere in Europe, or maybe even South Africa if I ever had the money. New Zealand will be a priority.

10. Take a post-graduate class - not now, but maybe years away.  It's good to keep educated. Good - doing that one better by being in this second Master's program.

11. Run a mile - without dying.  Sad, but I would like to try. I can make it 0.6 miles, baby.  And I will consider to try and pursue this.

Very interesting overall.  So, here was my day:

• 1 cup Special K cereal with 2/3 cup low fat chocolate milk and cinnamon (pretty crazy, I know)
• 2 pieces whole wheat weight watchers bread w/2 oz. deli buffalo chicken meat & 1/2 T. light mayo
• 1 orange
• 1 light and fit yogurt
• 1 split chicken breast w/BBQ/Buffalo sauce concoction (I didn't eat the skin and sauce, essentially)
• 3 huge broccoli spears
• 1 baked yam w/ 1 T. whipped butter, splenda and cinnamon
• 10 oz. lowfat chocolate milk

• 1 hour walking outside
• 45 minutes aerobics (cardio kickboxing)
• 15 minutes actual kickboxing

More next time..

So Close..

I'm slowly approaching new numbers.  I love new numbers, they inspire me to keep going..  I haven't seen the 170s since 2004, when I got married.  I think I only saw the 170s for several short-lived months..  I'm at 180.2 right now.

I've noticed the past two weekends that I'm really not enjoying my splurge nights like I used to.  They are almost becoming a habit, not something I'm doing just because I want a particular food.  Something to think about - maybe I don't need to "eat bad" just because it's the weekend.  Maybe I should try to go as long as possible without "cheating."  Just a thought, don't know how well it will work.

I had the best tilapia today with lemon and panko bread crumbs.  Random.

So onward - may the weather be nice this week so I can walk outside.  May I continue down this path. 50.2 pounds till goal, 11.7 until next next mini-goal.

Food Today:

• 2 cups strawberries with splenda
• 2 servings Progresso's french onion soup with 2 T. croutons and sprinkle of shredded cheddar (I wish I had mozzerella instead)
• 1 fruit cup of peaches
• 2 pieces of tilapia baked with panko bread crumbs, lemon rind and parmesan cheese mix
• 1 sweet potato with 1/2 tsp butter, cinnamon and splenda
• 1 piece cord-on-the-cob with 1/2 tsp. butter, salt & pepper
• 1/2 cup steamed spinach with lemon juice
• few spoonfuls of baked acord squash (didn't like it)

Exercise Today:

• 10 minutes on stair stepper
• 10 minutes on elliptical
• 20 minutes walking
• 45 minutes strength training

Until next time..

Happy Anniversary To Me!

Tomorrow marks my official six month anniversary of this journey, which I began on August 29, 2010.  How appropriate, considering I am very close to halfway towards my goal of 105 pounds at 51.1.  So far into it, I understand I may not reach this goal within a year as I had initially thought because weightloss slows down severely the more you lose.  But that's why I like to think of it as a journey, so I can focus on each part of it as I go along, instead of just looking at the end result.

Even at this point, I get a ton of compliments.  I've been told I look like a completely different person.  I feel great.  No more bouts of breathlessness.  I just have to get past the binging, which is becoming more and more of an issue.  I think there is direct correlation between binging and the amount of calories I'm allowed to have now.  When I first started, I was allowed around 1550 calories - now I'm down to 1190.  However, I make it a point to eat at least 1200, and I beef up the exercise.  I even joined a real gym with my husband last weekend.

Two things I've learned so far, and I can't remember if I've mentioned them already -

#1 - When someone thin is watching their weight, it isn't unnecessary, it's the reason they are thin to begin with.

#2 - The less you weigh, the less calories you burn, and the less you are able to eat and lose the same amount of weight.

Sounds so simple, but I guess it's just things I had never thought about before.  Probably is why I've never gone into 30 lbs. of weight loss before, let alone 50 lbs.

Today's food:

• Orange
• 1 T. peanut butter
• 1 T Polander's seedless raspberry preserves
• 2 slices of 50 calorie whole wheat bread
• Dannon Lite & Fit yogurt
• apple
• 3 oz. grilled chicken
• 1 1/2 cups sauteed broccoli (in Pam) w/1/2 cup red onion & sprinkle of Parmesan cheese
• baked yam w/ 1/2 tsp. whipped butter, cinnamon and splenda
• corn on the cob with 1/2 tsp. whipped butter, salt & pepper
• cup of tea with splenda

Exercise

• 1 hour of walking uphill at moderate pace
• 15 minutes of light/moderate strength training with free weights

Until next time..

Moving Right Along..

Crazy week coming up.  I have something going on every night - doctor's appointments, classes, social calls.  Now that I'm at 183.9, I'm just that more determinded to get into the 170s, but realistically it probably won't happen for another 2-3 weeks at this rate.  I was good Friday - yesterday was shot to shit once I left the house (potato chips, crackers and pizza - oh my!).  Tonight I'm going to a party, so tomorrow is another fresh start.  I don't even want to weigh myself again until next Friday.

The Big 5-0

So it finally happened yesterday.  184.9 - 50.1 pounds lost in less than 6 months..  exciting stuff!  Although it's coming off much slower at this point, it's nice to reach a numbers goal that like - it'll keep me reaching for the next one.

Granted, I shouldn't have celebrated by going out to Fridays and then Friendly's.  I still can't say at this point by behavior has changed 100%.  Sometimes, I wonder with overeaters, if that can ever truly be attained.  I'm think of going to an OA meeting.  I  need support outside of my husband and colleagues.  I need someone I can call when I'm about to cement a bad decision and put down 3900 calories (which is what I essentially did last night - one burger with fries at 1600 calories, two LI Iced Teas at 900 calories, one 5-scoop sundae with the works at 1400 calories).  This is after consuming less than 500 calories all day and working off about 400.

When I got married i was approximately 168-170 lbs, so that is my next goal.  I remember feeling really thin at that point, so it will interesting to see.  I find that everything is relative.  At this point, I feel thin, but seeing pictures I'm not happy at all.  I went and got a haircut last night to make me feel better about myself.  I also bought a gym bad, headband (to protect my eyes from sweat since I just had lasik), and some nice headphones to assist at the gym.  I'm also going gym shopping with the hubby this weekend.  Maybe I need to switch things up.

I like to reflect throughout my journey - here are some things I've noticed:

• My shadow has curves - I look thinner in my shadow self.
• I can bend down and tie my shoes without losing my breathe.
• I can run up the stairs without losing my breathe.
• My center of balance (according to Wii Fit) is almost always perfect.
• I can walk the 3-mile loop at work with nearly no effort.
• I fit in a chair better - there's extra space!
• I fit into clothes that aren't plus size - some are even large, not XL.
• I crave exercise when I don't have time to do it.
• I feel like shit when I eat poorly (but I'm still hungry at times while I cut calories).

I told my husband last night once I reach my goal of 130 and maintain it for at least 3 months, I will make an appointment to get another sleeve tattoo.  That will be my motivation, beyond the whole healthier lifestyle, like the way I look thing.

Until next time..

Longest day ever..

Since the new year, I have lost 13 pounds, but for whatever reason I feel dejected and discouraged at every turn.  I eat within my calories about 70% of the time (weekends I am more laxed) and I exercise regularly.  I'm losing between 1/2 and 2 lbs per week.  I'm even down to a size 14 in most stores, and lost 1 inch is my waist in the last month.  What am I still so discouraged?

Today (so far):
-1 1/2 cups grapes
-1 light and fit dannon yogurt
-2 1/4 oz. buffalo turkey breast on whole wheat flat bread
-1 orange
-1 light and fit dannon yogurt

Tonight (hopefully only)
-Applebees under 550 meal

Yesterday:
-2 oz. maple turkey breast
-1 cup grapes
-1 2/3 oz. maple turkey breast on whole wheat flat bread
-1 light and fit dannon yogurt
-1 apple
-1 orange
-1 3 oz. grilled chicken with 1/2 cup spinach sauteed with onions and garlic
-1/4 cup feta, crumbled
-2 T. parmesan cheese, grated
-1 baked yam w/ 1/2 tsp. whipped butter, cinnamon and splenda
-1 cup mixed green and wax beans, steamed
-1 minibun (bitesize)
-1 small lollipop
-1 blue bunny ice cream sandwich chopped up with 3 T. Cool Whip

And it's only Monday..

I came back good from a weekend of working.  Nothing helps you stay on a healthy eating kick like foregoing a weekend to work!  I didn't want to weight myself so soon into the week, but I did when I got home from work and I'm down another .8 at 189.1!!  Woohoo!

Work it out, work it out, work it out, work it out.

I feel great right now.  I called a "co-dieter" last minute and invited her to work out with me.  After working all weekend, I wasn't motivated to do much and was a little bummed after spending time with my family last night.  It was great, I tackled the elliptical for 45 minutes and then showed her how to use free weights.  All in all, a pretty good workout, especially for a Sunday night.

Friday night I got on the scale after getting home from work.  I knew going out to dinner would set me off for a day or two until I got back down, but I didn't want to wait until next week to see if I hit the 180s, which I did, but barely.  189.9.  But whatever, goodbye 190s!
Whenever I have to enter my weight into the treadmill or elliptical, I go to enter 200 something, not even thinking.  I can't believe I have lost 45.1 pounds.  I only started this journey 5 months and 1 day ago.  It hardly seems feasible that I've lost an 8 year old child off my midsection.  I love it!

So here comes the expensive part.  I've bought probably about $400 worth of clothes.  I know I shouldn't have, but it's addicting to see what sizes you fit into.  At Old Navy, I now fit a large in some shirts and I'm about 5 pounds away from comfortably fitting into a size 14 pants, without a muffin top.  I'm a realist - just being able to button them up means nothing.

I even had my husband takes photos of me the other day.  Did you ever feel like when you lose a lot of weight, you feel skinnier than you actually are?  That happened when I lost the first 20 pounds.  I felt lighter than air.  Then the wedding photos were developed and I was horrified.  But I was pleasantly surprised with the photos that I just had taken.  Something happens as you get closer to your goal weight - more shrinkage occurs.  And faster, out of nowhere.  Even when the scale isn't that different.  But I have a long journey ahead - another 58.9 pounds..

I love it.  I'm excited.  I'm wired.  Time for bed.

I'm gonna keep on truckin..

I finally saw another break through this week.  After seesawing back and forth for three weeks, I got down to 191.6 - down 43.4 pounds.  It's so frustrating how easy it is in the beginning, and how hard it gets as you trot along. 

I've boosted up the execising like, whoah.  I use the ellyptical at least three times a week, at least a 1/2 hour a shot, I walk and run everytime and I also have a weight routine.  I'm buring over 2000 calories a week with activity alone.  I would really like to lose 10 lbs. a month, but I don't see it happening.

I start classes in another week and a half.  I suppose that will make it easier, having another distraction from food.  As much as I would like to say that this is a lifestyle as this point, I still have my terrible momments of absolute binging.  I can still easily put down 5000 calories on a weekend day.  I feel like shit physically and emotionally afterwards, but it still happens.

On it goes..

Four and a half months in at this point..guess I have to reach the first year before I consider this a true life-style change.  For right now, I'm pretty proud of myself for getting back on the horse after the holidays with such ease.  This weekend was dicey - there was beer, there were boneless wings, there was dips and delicious desserts.  And Sunday was a nightmare between all the leftovers.  But I stayed within limits on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday (Tuesday I was good until dinnertime).  I even was good during our snow day off from work - after shoveling, I walked to the fitness center and worked out as hard as I could with the five machines they provide.  I'm up to 30 minutes on the elliptical and can run 6 out of 10 minutes.  I still need to strive with running though, it's pretty pathetic.

So, the 193.4 that I hit during the stomach virus was hard to keep.  The lowest I've gotten down to since then is 194.1 - now I'm 195.7 because I'm waiting for my damn period to come.  As soon as I get it I usually lose 4 lbs.  One thing I like about this life style change is that you really get to know your body.

As far as clothes sizes - I'm not quite a size 14 in woman's sizes, but a 16 is too big.  I'm definitely a 14/16 - but another 10-20 lbs should get me out of plus size altogether.  I'm thinking around 180 will do it.  At Old Navy a XXL is waayy too big, but an XL is a bit snug.  The two new jackets I bought are XL though, which is pretty cool.

So that's my story.  More next time.

Being between a rock and a hard place..

So I made it through the holidays.  Granted I have been sick for almost two weeks at this point, but I made it nonetheless and came out weighing less than I did going in.  Bronchitus and a stomach virus do wonders for your weight loss.  I weighed myself Monday and was shocked at the 193.4 that looked back at me.  Three days post-illness and eating normally, I'm at 193.9.  Which is fine with me, because as of January 3rd I am back on track full force!

For Christmas I got a plethora of weight loss tools and motivators including a myotape (a measuring tape to measure inches), a food scale and a weight watchers scale that measures percentages of a pound (hence my .9 weigh-in).  I also got some clothes and giftcards to use to buy new clothes.

The frustrating part is I have shopped at three different stores in the past few nights and have not bought anything but a jacket (which I am now a proud XL in the regular sized stuff at Old Navy!).  Apparently I'm between sizes, and not just with shirts and pants, but EVERYTHING - even underwear and bras.  It's ridiculous.  Forty one pounds down, my clothes look terrible.  But I refuse to buy anything too small and I won't spend money on clothes that are too big - I'd rather keep the stuff I have.

So that's my story.  Twenty-five pounds away from reaching my next goal.  Maybe I can do it in three months?